Tragedy on the high seas

Tragedy on the high seas…

I recently went on a dinner cruise. You get on a giant catamaran and dine and watch a show while the boat is cruising about the ocean. You can also go up to the top deck and take in the view. This dinner cruise is highly touted for its excellent show after you eat. Here is my recount of the events of that evening.

4:30 pm: We arrive at the docks and just kind of hang out until the cruise people finish setting up and open up. There are eight of us in our party and we are happy and ready to enjoy a great dinner and show.

Happy group ready for a fun night

4:45 pm: A very friendly young lady welcomes us and takes our tickets for entry. She gives us a special ticket in which she says we can get any drink from the menu with.

Let's get this party started

4:50 pm: We board this giant vessel that they claim to be the world’s largest Polynesian catamaran and are shown to our table by a very friendly and handsome young Hawaiian man. My wife and I are happy to be celebrating our 20 year wedding anniversary and we sit across from each other so we can be face to face.

Large, spacious and seaworthy this three-level, 170' x 50' vessel

which holds as many as 500 passengers is built for both comfort and island viewing.

4:51 pm: I realize “Oh, this boat is a little bouncy…” and we are gently swaying back and forth. We sit for about ten minutes as the rest of the guests for this evenings adventure board the boat.

5:00 pm: I watch as the dock workers release the ropes holding this big behemoth of a boat to the dock. “Whoa, it’s a little more than a bounce thing… more like a mild tossing back and forth”.

5:10 pm: We are off! Sailing away on our glorious adventure for the evening! Everyone is excited to see what is for dinner and the highly anticipated show after dinner.

5:15 pm: We are approached by the handsome young Hawaiian man that seated us. He is to be our waiter on this lovely evening. He asks us each if we would like to redeem our “free drink” ticket for an alcoholic beverage. I decide I better hold off and order water. My stomach is just a tad bit queasy. I should wait a bit and get my sea legs and then I fully plan to redeem my ticket. I will probably break out the wallet after that and have a few more.

5:20 pm: We are given the directive to head to the buffet. What luck, our table is the first to go. I walk past several tables of happy, smiling people ready to enjoy a perfect Hawaiian evening just as I am.

5:20 pm: I arrive at the buffet. I decide I will eat light as the queasiness in my stomach has moved to my head and I am a little dizzy and lightheaded. The buffet is pretty magnificent. It is filled with amazing foods. Prime rib, salmon, mashed potatoes, salad, tuna, rolls, and much more. Maybe I should eat a little more than I had intended. Maybe my hunger is what is adding to my stomach flip flopping.

A bountiful buffet

5:25 pm: I get back to my table with a plate of food fit for a king. I though I might have to call our handsome Hawaiian server to help me carry it back to the table it was so full. There were so many choices, and even though I opted for just a small piece of this and a small piece of that, I had food stacked on top of food! It was a meal fit for a king!

5:30 pm: Maybe I need some more water as I have downed my glass of ice water to try to alleviate the sweat beads on my forehead. The queasiness in my stomach has become substantial and my head is starting to spin pretty badly. As much as I don’t want to, I should finish off my plate of food and hope this helps.

5:45 pm: I am not feeling so good! That’s when I realized, I get seasick! What was I thinking getting on this boat for a dinner and a show?! Oh well, it is not unbearable. More like a minor inconvenience on an otherwise glorious Hawaiian evening. I look across the table to see my sister turning the same color green as her shirt. “Are my eyes playing tricks on me or is she going into camouflage mode?” I ask her if she is ok. She just slowly and deliberately shakes her head back and forth in a “hell no” fashion.

5:50 pm: Oh boy! I am realizing that eating the giant plate of food was a really bad idea. “How long does this cruise last?” It seems like we have been at sea for a while now and we have not turned around yet.

6:00 pm: We decide to get up and explore the ship. It has open sides on it for amazing 360 degree views. We are on the bottom floor. There is a second floor above us and then a top deck where you are actually out in the open.

6:05 pm: I leave the rest of my party and head toward the bathroom. The giant plate of food is not sitting well and maybe if I can…you know… use the facilities, my stomach will settle down a bit. As I approach the restroom I smell a smell that, I swear, is worse than any outhouse or Johnny on the spot I have ever smelled! I can not go in there or I will relieve my stomach from the other end and I hate throwing up! I take a deep breath, hold it in, and walk past the bathroom and shoot up the stairs to the top deck.

6:15 pm: Standing on the top deck, taking in the cool breeze and fresh air helps just a tiny bit. Ok, not really helping but I can’t go back downstairs to the putrid smell of the bathrooms. I look down into the ocean water. “If I just jump in right now and swim for shore, surely I could make it back in an hour or so. And maybe the cool water would help me to feel a little better.” The thought of sharks, jellyfish and other sea-dwelling creatures quickly overtakes the thought of swimming back to shore.

I think I can make it

6:30 pm: “Hey! There you are!” My family says as they rush up to me. “We have been looking for you!” “Stand there like that and let me get your picture” my brother says. I really don’t feel like pictures right now…or people…or living…

Me no feel well

6:30 pm: I humor the group with a picture. Then they want a group selfie! I am starting to re-think swimming back to shore! “If I just climb over this bar… I think I can clear the ship and get into the water…” “Smile, on three, one…two…three…

Let me die

6:45 pm: My family decides to go back downstairs for the show. I walk back down with them and take a seat. My brother asks if I want to go to the desert line with him. “DESSERT?!” I think to myself, “Disgusting!” I almost hurl just thinking about it! I politely decline.

6:50 pm: I realize that going to downstairs was a bad plan. I need to poop bad, I feel like throwing up, my head is spinning out of control. I excuse myself from the table and start toward the bathroom… NOPE, I turn at the first whiff of disgustingness coming from that horrible, horrible place. Again I take a deep breath and hold it as I go around the bathroom and up the stairs.

6:55 pm: I arrive back to the top deck gasping for fresh, cool air. I look around and there are people sitting, laying down, leaning over the side… ah ha! I have found “my” people! These poor souls were sweating and heaving and looking pretty rough. I fit right in. I find my place and sit down and put my head in my hands and began to pray that this evil, wicked ride ends soon!

My people

7:00 pm: I hear uproarious noises coming from below. The show that I paid $95.00 to see is beginning downstairs. “Hell no! I won’t go!” “Screw the show and anything else that takes me away from this spot where I will remain until my death from sea-sickness is complete!”

Sick, sick, sick

Eternity later: I look at my watch and realize it is 7:05 pm. “Why has this boat not turned around yet?! Are we still heading out?!” I begin contemplating hi-jacking the damn boat with a kitchen knife and forcing the captain to turn around and take us back as quickly as possible. I imagine saying “Just keep driving! Don’t slow down! Run it right up on the ground, forget the docks!” As if on cue, the boat starts to turn. “The captain wasn't reading my mind was he?”

8:45 pm: We are nearing shore. I can not hold on much longer! I rise up and go downstairs as the $95.00 dinner show is coming to an end. My family asks the obvious question, “Are you ok?” “Shut the hell up!” I think to myself as I say “I’m fine”. I look at my sister who is in worse shape than me. I have heard the term “turning green” before but this is the first time I have actually seen someone turn green! I thought she was about to jump up and smash the table while screaming “Hulk smash!” But she just sat there motionless, with her head laying on the table.

9:00 pm: It takes forever to dock a damn boat! I am positive that I can leap the few feet from the boat to the dock if these people would get out of my way and let me go! Then comes a horrible, decimating blow… They announce that everyone should be seated and that they would start unloading the boat from the upper floors and work their way down to my floor. It appeared we were to be the first ones on and the last ones off. I was certain I could not make it much longer.

9:05 pm: They are about to start unloading the boat….from the top down… I see a worker motion to a very sick looking lady a couple tables away from us. He says to his co-worker “We should let her off first she does not look good.” His co-worker agrees and asks if someone in her party can assist her off the boat. THIS IS MY CHANCE! I look at the worker and motion towards my sister. I say, in my most polite and humbling voice possible, “You may want to let her off too.” Thinking to myself, “Come on sis! Give him your most sick and nasty look you have in you! We’re getting off this boat now!” The worker nods his head and starts to say “Is there someone that can assist…” “I GOT THIS!” I grab my sister and we run for the exit! Moments later we are on sweet, precious dry land!

9:10 pm: We are standing and waiting for our family to disembark the boat and I am feeling MUCH better! I reach in my pocket and find the drink ticket I was given at the start of this nightmare. I tear it up and throw it into the trash can. My sister is telling me her nightmarish story of seasickness on the high seas and I listen intently. It went much worse for her than for me. I state “It wasn’t so bad really” as I am mentally crossing off “Alaskan cruise” from my bucket list...