Spider Wars

I live in a somewhat rural area. A lot of trees and a little creek surround my house. This is really a lovely place to live. We also have different types of wildlife around. I have seen foxes, deer, raccoon's, possums, and a wide variety of snakes, bugs and spiders. The lastly mentioned one (spiders) seem to be pretty bold and not afraid of me. With good reason because I figure live and let live. As long as they stay outside and leave me alone I will leave them alone.

However, I swear that one of these giant spiders is hunting me! It started out innocent enough; I am walking along in my garden one day, minding my own business and boom! I am face to face with this big spider! My nose is less than an inch away from him!

Now I remember watching “The Matrix” and I remember seeing that guy getting shot at and he is all in slow motion and bending around and bends over backwards to avoid the bullets. I remember thinking to myself, “That’s not real! A person can’t maneuver like that!” (Nevermind that I was watching an incredibly unreal movie and thinking those thoughts!) Well, I was proven wrong that day! A person can move like that if they have the proper level of motivation! Like a spider in the face!

This spider knows that I walk through that same path four or five times a week and I believe he strategically placed his web there.

I can read his mind now, “I’m tired of catching flies and other insects every day and not knowing when my next meal will fly through! I’ve seen that big guy out here a lot… I bet he would taste good… If I could bag that guy, I will never have to work again! I could retire and live good off of him...” So yeah, I guess that makes me like hitting the lottery for a spider.

Well I didn’t fall for that trap so he had to get a little more creative.

One morning I went walking out my front door and WHOA… I walked right into his spider web! He had built his web in front of my front door! Now I know he has been watching me take my dogs out that door every morning around 5:30.

Now, if you have ever walked into a spider web, you know that a person can do amazing moves with their body that they normally couldn’t do at this point. If you have ever worked out your leg muscles at the gym, you know that every task is a difficult one after doing so. Well that morning I had just worked my legs and after barely surviving the climb up from my gym in the basement I walked out the door and into this web.

So take that video of Bambi trying to walk on the frozen pond… and ad into that the little crazy mouse, Speedy Gonzales and this is what I imagined I looked like that morning. Although the words I said were not "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!" and they sure as heck were not suitable for a Bambi movie.

He almost had me that morning but, somehow, I barely escaped with my life! A few days later, I was sitting on the front porch telling my wife about the incident and this spider just comes descending down on his web in broad daylight. He was heading right for me! I felt like Miss Muffet! Except… I wasn’t eating curds and whey… actually, I had just drank a whey protein shake… interesting…

The spider wants me and wants me bad! I have not seen him for about a week. This makes me nervous. I know he is hidden away somewhere in his secret war room laying out the perfect plan of attack! The next time I see him, may be my last.

As the weather gets colder, I see less of him and the other spiders out. If I am seeing less of them OUT, they must be coming IN! If you need me this winter I will be in my bedroom with a can of raid in one hand and a can of deep woods off in the other…

On the bright side, my house is already decorated for Halloween…