Friday, November 21, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
Heat Stealing Dog
Heat stealing dog
Growing up in Arizona , I
have never appreciated the cold Kansas
winter. Seriously, I could do without winter all together. Spring and summer
work for me all year long.
So, it’s no surprise to my family when I drag that little
space heater out when temps start getting below 50 degrees. Yeah, I guess I am
a wimp when it comes to cold weather. But I challenge anyone to a heat contest.
Lol!
My favorite thing about winter
I remember the days of my youth. Growing up in what I call a
boy’s paradise. I have often regaled my children with stories of my childhood
and the area I grew up in. I lived in the desert, about two miles outside a
tiny town in southeast Arizona .
There were hills behind my house and a river in front of my house. All summer
long I would leave my house shortly after dawn and spend the day hiking,
hunting, fishing, swimming, etc. I grew up really enjoying the outdoors and the
warm summer weather.
After moving to Kansas
at 16 years old I quickly found that the winter here is frigid! I’m talking below
zero! For days! Sometimes weeks! What do people do when it gets that cold? They
go outside! No kidding! Native Kansans are used to these blistering cold
winters and they embrace them. They break out the snow sleds and have a ball.
I’ve seen people attach a rope to the back of a truck and sit on an old car
hood that they had removed and hold on to the rope and go sledding around town.
They have really made an art out of enjoying this cold stuff.
I really don’t blame them. If you are going to live in it,
you might as well enjoy it. And I try to enjoy it. I go sledding. I go sliding
around on frozen lakes and ponds. I’ve tried ice fishing. One thing remains the
same through all of it. I am constantly thinking “Wow, it’s cold!” I just do
not enjoy the cold like the rest of the people I am with.
So here I sit, inside, next to my little space heater,
waiting for April to roll around.
Just waiting for Spring
Just like two children fighting for the attention of a
parent, I have an adversary fighting for the heat from my little heater. My dog
Angus is wimpier than I am when it comes to cold. He was born and raised in Kansas but he doesn’t
like the cold any more than I do. He has actually learned how to cover himself
up with a blanket! He will drag the blanket out from the basket it is sitting
in, hold it in his mouth, walk around in a circle to wrap it around him and
then he crawls under it until only his head is stick out. Then he looks around
at everyone and pulls the blanket up over his head! Ha ha! On really cold
morning I find a crumpled up blanket in the floor and my dog is no where to be
seen. When he hears me I see the crumpled up blanket move as he starts to slink
out from under it.
He IS under there...
The space heater has three switches on it. You have to throw
all three switches to get the best heat output. These switches make a profound
“click” when thrown.
So I come into the living room and see the crumpled blanket
in the floor. I quietly and cautiously carry the heater from its little spot in
the corner. I set it down near where I will be sitting. Even though I try to be
quiet I see the crumpled blanket start moving. I sit down near the heater and
throw the first switch… “CLICK”. Angus pops his head out from the blanket!
Did I hear something?
I pause, hoping he won’t realize what I am doing. He waits.
I throw the second switch… “CLICK”. Angus comes out from under the blanket and
sits, staring at me. We have an unspoken mental conversation between the two of
us.
I know what you are doing
Angus: “Well, are you going to throw that third switch?”
Me: “Go back to what you were doing. Nothing going on here”.
Angus: Come on man! It’s cold. Throw that switch!”
Angus: “Come on, I’ll share the heat with you this time.”
Me: “Go back to your blanket and let me get warmed up here!”
“CLICK”, I throw the third switch and before the heat even
starts pumping out of “MY” heater, Angus is all up in it.
He's quick to find the heat source
The problem is he sits right up against the vent that the
heat pumps out of. His hair is black and really course and he soaks up every
bit of heat coming from the heater. I am completely blocked out in the cold. He
turns and looks at me like “What?”
What? Were you sitting here?
So begins the battle of the heat! I’m sitting near him and I
will push him out of the way so I can get warm. Before long I notice, “Hey, why
am I cold?!” I look down and there he is again, blocking the heat. I’ll nudge
him to the side and begin to feel the sweet warmth once again. But my warmness
is short lived as, once again, Angus move to block. Back and forth, back and
forth, the whole time the heater is on.
It is a stubborn rivalry for the ages. But in the end, we
are just two beings trying to make it through another cold, Kansas winter without freezing to death.
Just two cold fellas trying to get warm
Friday, November 7, 2014
Tragedy on the high seas
Tragedy on the high seas…
I recently went on a dinner cruise. You get on a giant catamaran
and dine and watch a show while the boat is cruising about the ocean. You can
also go up to the top deck and take in the view. This dinner cruise is highly
touted for its excellent show after you eat. Here is my recount of the events
of that evening.
4:30 pm: We arrive at the docks and just kind of hang out
until the cruise people finish setting up and open up. There are eight of us in
our party and we are happy and ready to enjoy a great dinner and show.
Happy group ready for a fun night
4:45 pm: A very friendly young lady welcomes us and takes
our tickets for entry. She gives us a special ticket in which she says we can
get any drink from the menu with.
Let's get this party started
4:50 pm: We board this giant vessel that they claim to be
the world’s largest Polynesian catamaran and are shown to our table by a very
friendly and handsome young Hawaiian man. My wife and I are happy to be
celebrating our 20 year wedding anniversary and we sit across from each other
so we can be face to face.
Large, spacious and seaworthy this three-level, 170' x 50'
vessel
which holds as many as 500 passengers is built for both comfort and
island viewing.
4:51 pm: I realize “Oh, this boat is a little bouncy…” and
we are gently swaying back and forth. We sit for about ten minutes as the rest
of the guests for this evenings adventure board the boat.
5:00 pm: I watch as the dock workers release the ropes
holding this big behemoth of a boat to the dock. “Whoa, it’s a little more than
a bounce thing… more like a mild tossing back and forth”.
5:10 pm: We are off! Sailing away on our glorious adventure
for the evening! Everyone is excited to see what is for dinner and the highly
anticipated show after dinner.
5:15 pm: We are approached by the handsome young Hawaiian
man that seated us. He is to be our waiter on this lovely evening. He asks us
each if we would like to redeem our “free drink” ticket for an alcoholic
beverage. I decide I better hold off and order water. My stomach is just a tad
bit queasy. I should wait a bit and get my sea legs and then I fully plan to
redeem my ticket. I will probably break out the wallet after that and have a
few more.
5:20 pm: We are given the directive to head to the buffet.
What luck, our table is the first to go. I walk past several tables of happy,
smiling people ready to enjoy a perfect Hawaiian evening just as I am.
5:20 pm: I arrive at the buffet. I decide I will eat light
as the queasiness in my stomach has moved to my head and I am a little dizzy
and lightheaded. The buffet is pretty magnificent. It is filled with amazing
foods. Prime rib, salmon, mashed potatoes, salad, tuna, rolls, and much more.
Maybe I should eat a little more than I had intended. Maybe my hunger is what
is adding to my stomach flip flopping.
A bountiful buffet
5:25 pm: I get back to my table with a plate of food fit for
a king. I though I might have to call our handsome Hawaiian server to help me
carry it back to the table it was so full. There were so many choices, and even
though I opted for just a small piece of this and a small piece of that, I had
food stacked on top of food! It was a meal fit for a king!
5:30 pm: Maybe I need some more water as I have downed my
glass of ice water to try to alleviate the sweat beads on my forehead. The
queasiness in my stomach has become substantial and my head is starting to spin
pretty badly. As much as I don’t want to, I should finish off my plate of food
and hope this helps.
5:45 pm: I am not feeling so good! That’s when I realized, I
get seasick! What was I thinking getting on this boat for a dinner and a show?!
Oh well, it is not unbearable. More like a minor inconvenience on an otherwise
glorious Hawaiian evening. I look across the table to see my sister turning the
same color green as her shirt. “Are my eyes playing tricks on me or is she
going into camouflage mode?” I ask her if she is ok. She just slowly and deliberately
shakes her head back and forth in a “hell no” fashion.
5:50 pm: Oh boy! I am realizing that eating the giant plate
of food was a really bad idea. “How long does this cruise last?” It seems like
we have been at sea for a while now and we have not turned around yet.
6:00 pm: We decide to get up and explore the ship. It has
open sides on it for amazing 360 degree views. We are on the bottom floor.
There is a second floor above us and then a top deck where you are actually out
in the open.
6:05 pm: I leave the rest of my party and head toward the
bathroom. The giant plate of food is not sitting well and maybe if I can…you
know… use the facilities, my stomach will settle down a bit. As I approach the
restroom I smell a smell that, I swear, is worse than any outhouse or Johnny on
the spot I have ever smelled! I can not go in there or I will relieve my
stomach from the other end and I hate throwing up! I take a deep breath, hold
it in, and walk past the bathroom and shoot up the stairs to the top deck.
6:15 pm: Standing on the top deck, taking in the cool breeze
and fresh air helps just a tiny bit. Ok, not really helping but I can’t go back
downstairs to the putrid smell of the bathrooms. I look down into the ocean
water. “If I just jump in right now and swim for shore, surely I could make it
back in an hour or so. And maybe the cool water would help me to feel a little
better.” The thought of sharks, jellyfish and other sea-dwelling creatures
quickly overtakes the thought of swimming back to shore.
I think I can make it
6:30 pm: “Hey! There you are!” My family says as they rush
up to me. “We have been looking for you!” “Stand there like that and let me get
your picture” my brother says. I really don’t feel like pictures right now…or
people…or living…
Me no feel well
6:30 pm: I humor the group with a picture. Then they want a
group selfie! I am starting to re-think swimming back to shore! “If I just
climb over this bar… I think I can clear the ship and get into the water…” “Smile,
on three, one…two…three…
Let me die
6:45 pm: My family decides to go back downstairs for the
show. I walk back down with them and take a seat. My brother asks if I want to
go to the desert line with him. “DESSERT?!” I think to myself, “Disgusting!” I
almost hurl just thinking about it! I politely decline.
6:50 pm: I realize that going to downstairs was a bad plan.
I need to poop bad, I feel like throwing up, my head is spinning out of
control. I excuse myself from the table and start toward the bathroom… NOPE, I
turn at the first whiff of disgustingness coming from that horrible, horrible
place. Again I take a deep breath and hold it as I go around the bathroom and
up the stairs.
6:55 pm: I arrive back to the top deck gasping for fresh,
cool air. I look around and there are people sitting, laying down, leaning over
the side… ah ha! I have found “my” people! These poor souls were sweating and
heaving and looking pretty rough. I fit right in. I find my place and sit down
and put my head in my hands and began to pray that this evil, wicked ride ends
soon!
My people
7:00 pm: I hear uproarious noises coming from below. The
show that I paid $95.00 to see is beginning downstairs. “Hell no! I won’t go!” “Screw
the show and anything else that takes me away from this spot where I will
remain until my death from sea-sickness is complete!”
Sick, sick, sick
Eternity later: I look at my watch and realize it is 7:05
pm. “Why has this boat not turned around yet?! Are we still heading out?!” I
begin contemplating hi-jacking the damn boat with a kitchen knife and forcing
the captain to turn around and take us back as quickly as possible. I imagine
saying “Just keep driving! Don’t slow down! Run it right up on the ground,
forget the docks!” As if on cue, the boat starts to turn. “The captain wasn't
reading my mind was he?”
8:45 pm: We are nearing shore. I can not hold on much
longer! I rise up and go downstairs as the $95.00 dinner show is coming to an
end. My family asks the obvious question, “Are you ok?” “Shut the hell up!” I
think to myself as I say “I’m fine”. I look at my sister who is in worse shape
than me. I have heard the term “turning green” before but this is the first
time I have actually seen someone turn green! I thought she was about to jump
up and smash the table while screaming “Hulk smash!” But she just sat there motionless,
with her head laying on the table.
9:00 pm: It takes forever to dock a damn boat! I am positive
that I can leap the few feet from the boat to the dock if these people would
get out of my way and let me go! Then comes a horrible, decimating blow… They
announce that everyone should be seated and that they would start unloading the
boat from the upper floors and work their way down to my floor. It appeared we
were to be the first ones on and the last ones off. I was certain I could not
make it much longer.
9:05 pm: They are about to start unloading the boat….from
the top down… I see a worker motion to a very sick looking lady a couple tables
away from us. He says to his co-worker “We should let her off first she does
not look good.” His co-worker agrees and asks if someone in her party can
assist her off the boat. THIS IS MY CHANCE! I look at the worker and motion towards
my sister. I say, in my most polite and humbling voice possible, “You may want
to let her off too.” Thinking to myself, “Come on sis! Give him your most sick
and nasty look you have in you! We’re getting off this boat now!” The worker
nods his head and starts to say “Is there someone that can assist…” “I GOT
THIS!” I grab my sister and we run for the exit! Moments later we are on sweet,
precious dry land!
9:10 pm: We are standing and waiting for our family to
disembark the boat and I am feeling MUCH better! I reach in my pocket and find
the drink ticket I was given at the start of this nightmare. I tear it up and
throw it into the trash can. My sister is telling me her nightmarish story of
seasickness on the high seas and I listen intently. It went much worse for her
than for me. I state “It wasn’t so bad really” as I am mentally crossing off “Alaskan
cruise” from my bucket list...
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